Saturday, December 03, 2011

How to Enjoy the Christmas Season!

  1. Dig through your closets for something Christmas-y.  If it glitters or lights up, wear it.
  2. Nonchalantly locate the "kiss-me" twigs hanging over doorways.  This is prime time to nuzzle-hug and smooch that guy/gal that gives you the goosebumps when he/she walks in the room.  Kissing is good for the heart and is considered preventative medicine.....I think. 
  3. Loiter near buffet tables.  This makes nibbling easier, and you can eat more.  If someone wants you to move, don't.  You have your party rights. 
  4. If your hostess serves celery sticks, leave.  She does not know the true spirit of Christmas.  Find a party where they're serving real food.
  5. Eat freely of the fudge.  FDA findings have recently validated Chocolate as Vitamin V-Z.  Doctors found it mood-elevating, because it induces verve, vibrancy, vigor, vim, vitality, vivacity, zest, zing, and zip.  
  6. It's okay to eat gravy.  Boldly put a puddle of it in the mashed potatoes, ladle it over everything but the pie, and savor every slurp. 
  7. If you should discover that the mashed potatoes were made without whole milk, cream cheese, sour cream, and butter, don't eat 'em.   Would you buy a sports car if it didn't have a stick shift?
  8. Whatever you do, for god sake, don't eat fruitcake.  There is only one fruitcake on Earth, and it's passed back and forth and forth and back. It is old, moldy, and someone should have the guts to throw the frickin' thing away.  I remember when I was in my 20s, an older female co-worker was jealous of how fast I could take shorthand.  When it came to our office Christmas party (our spouses were invited), her husband got my name for the gift exchange.  Three guesses what he gave me.   
  9. Think outside the box when it comes to exercising during December.  You should burn off enough calories circling buffet tables, carrying heavy plates of food, and raising glasses of holiday cheer.
Oh, by the way, did you hear about the man who goes to visit his doctor with celery stalks stuck in each ear and carrot sticks up his nose? 

He mumbles, "Doc, I'm just not feeling well."

The doctor replies, "Maybe you're not eating right."

Happy Holidays!