Monday, June 06, 2011

Hot Weather Rules

The National Weather Service predicts temperatures in the upper 90s and low 100s for a huge chunk of the U.S. today.  

Dangerously hot days like this are ample reason to gear down and be lazy.  Oh, I know that 'lazy' has become the other 4-letter word in our rush-rush madness, but I'm talking about taking a break.  When I retired, My Creator handed down to me a new set of hot weather rules to obey.  I was instructed not to copyright them, but rather to share them.  This is the first time I'm taking them out of the Golden Ark.  Please feel free to adopt any or all of them  into your present lifestyle, if you find them appealing.
  1. Stay indoors and turn on the air conditioning, ceiling fans, floor fans, or have one of the servants use a hand fan to keep you comfy.
  2. Don't over exert.  Move as little as possible.  Harbor no guilt. 
  3. Eat fruit or cold salads. Drink cold beverages.  Ones with an alcoholic content are preferred.  This stabilizes the equilibrium that is highly affected by heat and humidity.
  4. If the phone rings, don't answer.  If the door bell rings, stay put.  You're under quarantine.
  5. Keep thinking to a minimum.  Humidity causes our brains to rust.
  6. No human contact is preferred.  The more people, the more heat.  Stay by yourself.
  7. Take secret possession of the remote control.  If questioned where it is, pretend you don't know.  The situation will intensify, but this will keep you physically fit.  You see, laughter strengthens heart muscles, and this can be counted as the day's exercise.
  8. Keep the ice cube trays filled.  Liquid sustenance (referred to in #3 above) will be necessary throughout the peak temperature hours.
  9. Remain in a horizontal position.  This keeps an even flow of blood throughout your body, prevents lightheadedness, and induces sleep.  Research has found that naps give the brain cells a chance to recharge themselves.  Thus, you will get smarter the longer you sleep.
  10. Wear loose-fitting clothing.  T-shirts and baggy shorts are the preferred attire for days such as this.   Don't fret about the way you look.  When external temperatures rise above our normal body temperatures, 98.6, the human body will naturally look fatigued, sweaty, and hygienically impaired.
If I could be any other creature today, I would want to be a goldfish.  Yup, I'd like to live today in a bowl of water.