Monday, November 29, 2010

New List, New Life

I've just made a major U-turn in my life.  Let the big ball fall, cuz this chick has revamped her list of new year resolutions, and I unveil them here for the first time.  (drum roll, please)
  • Gain at least 30 pounds.  This will require considerably more snacking.
  • Procrastinate more.  I'll aim for tomorrow.  If tomorrow doesn't come, then why spoil today doing whatever it is I don't want to do in the first place.
  • Exercising is a waste of fine time that I could spend in the car going somewhere else.
  • Drink more alcohol to keep my tummy tract sterilized and my nerves numb.
  • Use the internet more.  How else will I keep my knowledge base current.
  • Bathe less often, save water, buy more deodorant, help the economy.
  • Spend more time on the couch.  They say stretching is good for us.
  • All clothes without elastic will be donated to Good Will.  It's a charitable thing. 
So, there it is.  The handcuffs are off, the key thrown away.  I'm free to be me......a chubby, lazy, tipsy, geeky, smelly, sloppy, generous old broad......happier than hell won't have it!  I'm finished paddling upstream.  Let the sails of fate carry me off to the seas of salvation where I shall swim in the waters of women's liberation.  Just think of all the years I wasted trying to be what I thought I should be for all those who really didn't care what I looked like anyway.  Ain't we a crazy bunch of egotistical eggheads?