Wednesday, May 09, 2012

My Rainbow

This isn't just any rainbow.  It's a rainbow over the farm where I grew up.  My brother and his family still live there, but now it's home to me only from a distance.

There wasn't an inch of this farm that my little feet didn't walk or skip across as I followed daddy fixing fences, bringing home the cows for milking, chopping bull thistles in the pasture, and trapping pocket gophers with my brother.  

There's a sorrow in my heart as big as the moon about the way my family split, leaving me in the dust.  There was no reason for it.  But, now that I'm older, I see life for what it really is....a crap shoot.  It's unpredictable, filled with problems, and risky business.  Bottom line, it's a gamble.

When families don't get along, it's sad, but it's okay.  The way I've dealt with the pain, is to ask myself, "Would I choose that person for my close relative?"  If the answer is no, well, then I let them dissolve into the nothingness relative they choose to be.  I sure wish I would have been smarter when I was younger, though.  My hair might still be dark brown.

When I did my year-long bible study, my greatest reward was learning an alternative meaning to Forgiveness.  I always thought that in order to forgive someone, I'd have to tell them I'm sorry, give them a hug, and go on like nothing happened.  Ah contraire.  There's another way to forgive someone, and that's by letting go.  It's hard to do, but it worked for me.  There came a day when I said to myself, "I can't take this crap anymore."  I cut the strings and let them go.  The funny part was their reaction.  There were those who would have preferred to keep throwing gas on the fire.  I turned away and thought to myself, go right ahead and burn yourself up.  It doesn't really matter to me anymore.

The root of our family problem wasn't my sibling and me, but it affected us majorly.  I honestly think he was torn between his married family and his birth family. Either way, the pain of losing him was the same.  It's so sad looking back at the empty days, weeks, months, and years without each other.  There were times that I so desperately needed my big brother's shoulders to lean on, but he was never there for me.  I'm just grateful that Our Creator installed a coping device in us so we can go on living with holes in our hearts.

Last evening's rainbow meant so much to me.  I'm assuming that Our Creator was trying to tell me that everything is okay so far as He's concerned.  Blue skies shine after the tear drops fell.